IF GOD WERE A WOMAN WHAT WOULD SHE SAY?
Updated: Sep 13
It’s true. I really believe this, but then my version of creation with God being female would be that earth was created in five days instead of seven because, well, women are more efficient than men and besides, they wouldn’t have taken a whole day off to rest afterward.
So there I am thinking about the concept of “no”. It’s such a small word. The smallest big word in the English language and yet spoken in the female vernacular, it translates big time in many different ways.
Again for the sake of this being my version of creation, my messenger angel will be called ‘Express Male’ and he’ll look like Brad Pitt (in the part of Achilles in Troy) and he’ll um, have wings for no other reason than I believe that they’re quirky and any self-respecting angel should sport them. Now my female deity? Hm. Think a cross between Heidi Klum and Pamela Anderson with maybe a little Selma Hayak thrown in for good measure. I’d probably go with the circumference of Selma’s hips. From Dust Till Dawn . Seriously, I think the snake played that part for free.
Okay, here’s the conversation after earth’s been around a while.
Express Male enters the heavenly gates and seeks out God, “The mortals are at it again I’m afraid. They want to start another war. Should we let them?”
God without blinking: “No.”
“Got it. They also want to strip the land of raw materials to make toys to play with. Should we give them carte blanche to do that?”
God not amused: “No.”
Express male warming up to the subject. “Well Mother Nature’s pretty pissed about this. She wants to flood the Eastern seaboard. Should we let her?”
God, rolling her eyes. “No.”
Express male makes notes and then prepares to leave, but just before he walks off, he spies the last item at the bottom of the page. “Oh, one more thing. Politicians are seeking permission to do their own reality T.V shows. Should we allow them?”
God blinks rapidly, clearly at a loss. (Personally, I don’t know why she’s surprised here. I knew we were going to hell in a handcart the minute American Idol made it to season four)
“Can I take that as a yes?”
God gasps. No!”
“Got it. May I go now?”
God undoes her heavenly hair clip, slowly letting down her ethereal curls with a shake of her head.
Express Male sees her do it and swallows. “N-no?”
God smiles. “No.”
All right. Shoot me. It’s my version, isn’t it? Besides, tell me who in their right mind- even a God- could turn down Brad Pitt with that hair and those biceps. Why, given the opportunity to wield some power with him I’d be all over that. Although now that I’m calling up a visual, the wings are kind of awkward. 0_0 Meh! This is fiction. I’m can make them disappear with the stroke of a few keys if I wanted to.
*Wipes brows then looks at you*
So wait, *insert me examining the ceiling, walls and floor* where the heck was I going with this before The Brad distracted me?
Oh, yeah. No is a powerful word. Maybe if we weren’t so afraid to use it once in a while we’d actually get something worthwhile done.
As always, thanks for stopping by!